1. FIRST OFF, FUCK IT.
On the heels of all the norm-smashing of 2020, we broke some new ground this week in freedom of expression. There’s been some grousing about the loss of our First Amendment rights — it’s a little harder now to find messages of hate from some of the most mean and hateful voices among us — but… have you heard all those F-bombs dropping on CNN, PBS and other media outlets? Profanity adds emphasis, and those Capitol rioters had strong feelings! I’ve never heard so many fucks given on the evening news, but hey, FREEDOM! And you know what, if they’re allowed, then what the fuck, so are the rest of us! We’re adults, and it’s just a four-letter word. I know five-year olds who can curse like a sailor, for fuck’s sake. So if the FCC doesn’t care, it’s time to fucking relax a little. And just in time for my list of new cannabis rules for 2021 — let’s fucking do this!
2. IT’S CANNABIS.
Not fucking marijuana. That term originated in the 1930s as an attempt by politicians and businessmen to portray cannabis as something unsavory, used mostly by Mexicans and black jazz musicians — a strategy that was foundational to prohibition, and that has reinforced the racial divisions we still struggle with today.
3. IT’S HERE, GET FUCKING USED TO IT.
People have used cannabis for centuries, and there’s no record of it ever killing anyone. The last 90 or so years were an aberration. We allowed a racist narrative and blatant untruths to rob us of a plant that provides safe and effective medicine for many ailments — as now recognized by a growing number of doctors. Most American also see it as such, as cannabis is now fully illegal in only six states.
4. LET’S LOSE THE STIGMA.
“Good people don’t smoke marijuana,” said fuckhead Jeff Sessions, one of the legion of wrong-headed morons who promulgated the lie. He was dead wrong. Good moms and dads use cannabis, so do good lawyers and doctors, good teachers and many other good people who have discovered a plant-based substance that’s far less destructive than alcohol. There are still anti-science naysayers spreading anti-cannabis propaganda; they are fucking loonies on the fringe.
5. IT’S ABOUT WELLNESS.
While ballot measures have defined medicinal / recreational uses, in reality many consumers of cannabis are using it to relieve anxiety, insomnia and the effects of inflammation. For these purposes, you don’t have to get high if you don’t want to; you can use non-psychoactive CBD. In either case, try it. It’s not going to hurt, and you might fucking like it.
6. DELTA 8 IS RISING.
If you’re not sure CBD works for you, and you don’t like getting super-fucking high, you might want to try Delta 8 THC. It’s a more mellow version of THC — missing one carbon molecule — and some people say it gets them pleasantly high, without the paranoia, panic or anxiety that can sometimes be part of the THC experience.
7. DESCHEDULE AND DECRIMINALIZE.
These steps will come before full federal legalization. The fact that cannabis is still on Schedule 1 of the Controlled Substances Act — along with opium and other drugs that have “no currently accepted medical use in treatment in the United States” — is, you got it, a fucking joke. The illegality of cannabis has been an excuse for aggressive policing and racial profiling; an initial stop on cannabis suspicion often cascades into multiple, ruinous charges, as explained by a former police officer.
8. DECARCERATE, EXPUNGE AND REPARATE.
An estimated 40,000 people — disproportionate to their use, a higher percentage of people of color — are in prison in the U.S. on cannabis charges. When they get out of prison, they will face difficulty succeeding in the housing and job markets. It’s time we unfuck this. Get them out from behind bars, clear their records and give them front-of-the-line access to opportunities in the burgeoning legal cannabis business.
9. IT’S ABOUT THE TAX REVENUE, STUPID.
To the towns small and large that still don’t get it: There’s no moral argument for denying safe and effective medicine to citizens. So it’s wrong. It’s also stupid. By clinging to outmoded beliefs, you’re losing revenue to other jurisdictions. Want to patch those potholes? Open dispensaries in your city or town and keep those fucking tax dollars at home.
10. WHO NEEDS A JOB?
Cannabis companies need everything other businesses require. They need help with processing, packaging, retail, marketing, legal and compliance and other functions. There are software systems to be implemented; cannabis resorts to be built and booked. It’s also a fact that everything fucking plastic can be made from hemp, including clothing that doesn’t pollute our water supply. Holy fuck, we’re talking about a whole new sector of the economy.
11. GET READY FOR INNOVATION.
Cannabis lends itself to experimentation, in many ways. Inhalation and ingestion are not the only ways to take it. It can also be administered in sublingual drops and strips — catch this podcast for details — by inhaler, patches, even fucking eye drops.
12. IT’S BESPOKE MEDICINE.
You and I have different genetics, and with many medicines, the same dose can generate different effects in different individuals. This is true of cannabis too. You can learn what works for your body through trial and error, and / or you can have your DNA analyzed to gain insights into the effects you can expect from the various cannabinoids and other compounds in the plant.
13. OH, ABOUT THOSE SIDE EFFECTS.
If you ever watch network news, you’ll be treated to 30-second spots on various medications that invariably come with a long list of often ghoulish side effects, from nausea and dizziness to fainting, vomiting, mental confusion, shortness of breath, fucking six-hour boners and death. Then there’s cannabis: Side effects may include relaxation, subtle introspection, increase in appetite, giggles and possibly a nap.
14. THE BOTTOM LINE: MORE PEACE, LOVE AND UNDERSTANDING.
In life there’s plenty of fucking misery to go around. But there is a known antidote: Cannabis enhances human happiness. It can aid the spiritual and emotional evolution of individuals, and perhaps collectively, the entire fucking human project. We have some social, economic and climate change issues that will require fresh thinking and fucking cooperation, people. So let’s get after it!